The Skipper

I always do this to myself. I get the urge to just start writing – something, anything! But then comes the time when I have ‘paper and pen’ in hand (i.e. NOW) and I don’t have anything to write. I sit and stare at a blank screen, or look at my finger nails and wish they were in better condition. I think about the things I should be doing, or could be doing, but have no motivation to do them. Then I re-read what I’ve just read and find spelling mistakes and wonder how the heck I can make spelling mistakes on words such a ‘done’ and ‘doing’.

Then I remember that thing that I’ve been meaning to research online – cool new hairstyles for blondes with wavy (sometimes curly and unruly), dense (but fine) hair, or if that event is sold out yet and figure out if it’s worth it to get tickets – and more importantly, who would come with me?! Then I look down at the post-it note on my laptop that reminds me to call someone, and I decide to put it off for yet another day.

Then I start feeling like crap for sitting here wasting time and I get fed up with myself. So I start making lists to energize and motivate myself; lists of things to do, things to fix, things to buy in order to fix said things, people to call, potential home/personal projects to start, ideas to cultivate, emails to write and groceries lists. I think to myself “tonight’s the night that I’m finally going to do something with that big empty frame that’s been sitting in my room for a year”, or “tonight’s the night that I’m going to send that card to that person and actually put it in the mailbox!” I’ll actually try to do a good, selfless deed. But…it’s harder than it seems.

I confess that I have a wandering mind. I get distracted easily and jump from one project to the next. Of course I like to get things done and finished with, but in walks my wandering mind. I admire people who can have the patience and diligence to start and finish making a quilt from scratch, and be so proud of it because it was their first attempt and it came out beautifully. I admire people who have a passion and talent for something and they’re actually doing something with it. I admire people who can stick to a routine for longer than 48 hours. I hear it takes 21 days to break a habit (or make one) – and at my rate, I’m hooped!

Then I sigh, and wonder if I’m actually going to post these thoughts. I feel slightly vulnerable posting this nonsensical spatter of words to friends and anonymous people. But then again, it’s my blog right? And you can think what you will because I am who I am. I deeply recognize that I’ve got some changing to do and some ‘whipping into shape’ to do – and I’ll get there, I promise. And I’m also grateful for the fact that I’ve got friends and family along the way that will be there to uphold me, challenge me, rebuke me, comfort me and encourage me. People that I can make a first-time meal with and they’ll eat it even if it tastes like crap. People who will unexpectedly surprise me with words of wisdom and understanding, and get me thinking that I need to be praying for more of that for myself.

So I’ll look at my finger nails once again and give in to the fact that I’ll always have bad cuticles – I know I’m flawed and far from blameless. But with God at the helm of this ship, I can only look up and look forward to the years ahead and be grateful that I’m not the captain – just the skipper.

PTL.