The Skipper

I always do this to myself. I get the urge to just start writing – something, anything! But then comes the time when I have ‘paper and pen’ in hand (i.e. NOW) and I don’t have anything to write. I sit and stare at a blank screen, or look at my finger nails and wish they were in better condition. I think about the things I should be doing, or could be doing, but have no motivation to do them. Then I re-read what I’ve just read and find spelling mistakes and wonder how the heck I can make spelling mistakes on words such a ‘done’ and ‘doing’.

Then I remember that thing that I’ve been meaning to research online – cool new hairstyles for blondes with wavy (sometimes curly and unruly), dense (but fine) hair, or if that event is sold out yet and figure out if it’s worth it to get tickets – and more importantly, who would come with me?! Then I look down at the post-it note on my laptop that reminds me to call someone, and I decide to put it off for yet another day.

Then I start feeling like crap for sitting here wasting time and I get fed up with myself. So I start making lists to energize and motivate myself; lists of things to do, things to fix, things to buy in order to fix said things, people to call, potential home/personal projects to start, ideas to cultivate, emails to write and groceries lists. I think to myself “tonight’s the night that I’m finally going to do something with that big empty frame that’s been sitting in my room for a year”, or “tonight’s the night that I’m going to send that card to that person and actually put it in the mailbox!” I’ll actually try to do a good, selfless deed. But…it’s harder than it seems.

I confess that I have a wandering mind. I get distracted easily and jump from one project to the next. Of course I like to get things done and finished with, but in walks my wandering mind. I admire people who can have the patience and diligence to start and finish making a quilt from scratch, and be so proud of it because it was their first attempt and it came out beautifully. I admire people who have a passion and talent for something and they’re actually doing something with it. I admire people who can stick to a routine for longer than 48 hours. I hear it takes 21 days to break a habit (or make one) – and at my rate, I’m hooped!

Then I sigh, and wonder if I’m actually going to post these thoughts. I feel slightly vulnerable posting this nonsensical spatter of words to friends and anonymous people. But then again, it’s my blog right? And you can think what you will because I am who I am. I deeply recognize that I’ve got some changing to do and some ‘whipping into shape’ to do – and I’ll get there, I promise. And I’m also grateful for the fact that I’ve got friends and family along the way that will be there to uphold me, challenge me, rebuke me, comfort me and encourage me. People that I can make a first-time meal with and they’ll eat it even if it tastes like crap. People who will unexpectedly surprise me with words of wisdom and understanding, and get me thinking that I need to be praying for more of that for myself.

So I’ll look at my finger nails once again and give in to the fact that I’ll always have bad cuticles – I know I’m flawed and far from blameless. But with God at the helm of this ship, I can only look up and look forward to the years ahead and be grateful that I’m not the captain – just the skipper.

PTL.

Exactly as I am...

I feel like I’ve learnt a lot about myself recently. Thanks to a personal aptitude test called Birkman and a lot of eye-opening ‘ah ha’ moments since then, I’ve been able to see myself in a few different ways. And others too. Birkman tests are so intricate and detailed that I couldn’t possibly understand all of who I am, but I don’t even care to know every reason why I do what I do, and why I am the way that I am, etc, etc. But it was fascinating overall – to sit around a room of close friends and colleagues and learn about myself and what makes me tick.

I learned that I’m a pretty even-keel person when it comes down to it. I have interests in all the areas that are discussed and I’m not on one extreme or the other. Apparently my highest ‘colour’ is blue, which represents artistic, creativeness, imagination, ideas, new projects, aesthetics, etc. No surprises there.

Then I’m apparently also high in green – social services, taking care of others, phoning people out of the blue, etc, etc. Now this one surprised me. Not that I’m not social or that I don’t like to do those things – but I know there are others who would soar in this category, and I was surprised to see it coming up as a ‘high’ colour of mine. Nevertheless, we came to another set of interests, and music ranked high for me too. Again, this surprised me. Yes, I like music, I like concerts – but it doesn’t necessarily resonate with me as much as it can with others. I don’t play any instruments and I don’t have to have the radio on all the time. But here’s the neat thing: when you combine social services with my interest in music, it generally means that I like to see harmony among people – which is SO TRUE. I hate conflict; I get awkward and shy and quiet and would rather leave a room than see other people in conflict. I like to think that I’m a pretty harmonious person most days. That’s just a few examples of cool and interesting things you can learn about yourself, but it’s pretty fascinating, right?

Going through this process has also helped me see where my weaknesses lie – and what happens when my buttons are pushed and what causes me to become stressed and act differently in particular situations; things that I can look out for and recognize in myself and prevent from going further.

I’m also able to see a bit of this in friends and family too. Like, “they’re a really decisive person, so I should ask them to help me make a big decision”, or “that person is really good at numbers and balancing things out – maybe I should ask them to help with my taxes”, or “remember to always have a plan with that person, because he/she does not like spontaneity”…and so on and so forth.

It’s allowed me to see people in a different way, and not negatively at all but as a person that God made. These kinds of tests allow people to be exactly who they are, and not be ashamed of it. So you suck at accounting? So what, God made you that way. You hate grocery shopping because there are too many options? So be it, God made you that way. You take twice as long to do a project than others because you’re a perfectionist? Embrace it, God made you that way.

We are all so incredibly unique and fascinating people. We truly do have a God that’s bigger than us and knew exactly who we would be. He holds our bodies together and gives us thought, ideas, emotions and the ability to love. He created the entire universe, and yet took the time to make us and our personalities precisely as they are.

Amen to that.