To Ruminate: To Reflect Deeply

So over the past few months (even a year, maybe) I have been collecting a number of my favourite ruminations, from ruminations.com. Thanks to Ash for tipping me off on this website, it has provided an incredible amount of laughter; it’s now become a custom for Nat & I to ask each other, “Got any new rumes for me lately?!”….

So here’s a great big list of our favourites (Disclaimer: yes, some do have potty words. Don’t take offense – just laugh)...

1. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
2. There is a great need for sarcasm font
3. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
4. I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
5. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
6. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
7. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
8. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
9. I hate passing someone in the street and realizing they weren't as slow as you thought they were...and then the next 10 minutes are spent ensuring you keep ahead of them no matter the pace because god forbid you may be re-overtaken!
10. I'm aware you're entitled to that seat next to me on the bus but i still get extremely agitated when you sit in it... who do you think you are? Yet if you walk past that seat and go and sit somewhere else I'll secretly feel a little bit offended.
11. I've yet to figure out what that one thing is Meatloaf won't do for love.
12. Did I just say, "those trousers look pretty sharp"!? Oh middle-age... you snuck up on me with that one.
13. If you answer the question "what do you want to do?" with the question "I don't, know, what do you want to do?" we're not *beeping!* hanging out anymore.
14. I don't think that anybody has ever thought, "I have too many tater tots."
15. When I pull the big knife out of the block I make a 'shhhing' sound effect with my mouth.
16. I can be turning into a parking lot at 5 miles an hour, but if my mom's in the passenger's seat, you better believe she will be death-gripping the door handle.
17. Yep, it’s been confirmed, the most awkward thing is when you’re walking and a couple holding hands is coming right at you. You zig when they zag, they look confused, you look alone, and then they’re forced to drop hands and let you pass between them.
18. There is no greater disappointment in life than when you take a bite out of a chocolate chip cookie... and discover raisins.
19. Video games these days are too complicated. Call me a purist, but I like the old school games where the only objective is to go from the left to right without touching a bad guy.
20. It's embarrassing enough that you're making me fist-bump in public, don't you *beeping!* dare 'blow it up' afterwards.
21. The thing I miss most about college is sleeping through hangovers. Back when "Mohito Mondays" and "Wine Wednesdays" weren't followed by "Throwing up with the conference call on mute Tuesdays" and "Smelling like failure and sadness Thursdays."
22. If you get on the elevator a few floors after me, and then get off a few floors before me, I will curse you under my breathe. I know it's not your fault, but bitch I had to stop TWICE for you.
23. I wish that every time I frowned at somebody in irritation or disapproval, there was an accompanying clap of thunder.
24. I hate people who wave their arms wildly when they walk. I would try to pass you, but there's not enough room on this sidewalk for me, you and your two miniature windmills.
25. Dear URL bar, can we agree on a number of clicks it takes to highlight the whole address? I hate clicking a few times then clicking like a mad person only to miss the one time it actually got highlighted in my frenzied clicking.
26. The saddest thing I saw all summer was a diet cookbook left on the shelf halfway down the candy/chocolate aisle in Wal Mart. Someone lost all hope right here.
27. Since his recent weight loss, my dad has taken an interest in fashion. When my mom asked him about this he said, "Yes, I am becoming a megasexual."
28. Don't bore me with stories about your trip. I've already Facebook stalked. I'm aware you went snorkeling and met Gloria Estefan.
29. Reaching the bottom of the peanut butter jar with a knife is like the game Operation. Careful. Slooow. No Shaking. Need.Peanut Butter.On.My.Knife.... (BZZZZ) Son of a bitch, peanut butter on my knuckles again!
30. Good timing is an important part of good cooking. I know I am a good cook because I often reach for the microwave right as it dings
31. I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
32. I have no idea when the last time I ate a whole candy bar was. But I can sure tell you the last time I ate a whole bag of fun sized bites. Currently.
33. When you tell me your baby's age, I shouldn't have to do division. 52 months? Should he be in diapers or first grade? Who knows?
34. I plan on sending my cardiologist bill directly to the designer who placed the switch for the lights in my kitchen right next to the switch for the garbage disposal
35. It is said that brushing your teeth with the opposite hand stimulates brain activity in the morning. I tried it and stabbed myself in the back of the throat. Yep, I'm wide awake now.
36. What do you mean by "you would." Is that an insult? Compliment? Yes, I would, hence I did.
37. I wish the check engine light in cars had a scale of 1-10, with 1 being "I'm kinda hurtin', but no biggie", and 10 being "Bitch I swear if you don't act now your ass is going to be shit out of luck in about 2 more miles".
38. Walking off the plane and out of the gate tunnel in a crowded airport, is the closest you will come to feeling like someone famous.
39. If all my teachers ended an important fact with the word "bitch" I would have done so much better in school. 2 + 2 = 4..... Bitch!
40. My son has one of those electronic games that doesn't have an off button - it has to sit idle long enough for me to forget about it and think I'm alone in the room, then it shouts "I'M OUTTA HERE!" shutting down the game and my sphincter control.
41. TV could sure use another show about cakes.
42. There are few products in which I'll spring for the most expensive brand. Tissues, however, are one of them. I'd be blowing my nose on baby rabbits if given the option
43. Why did we ever think a six disc CD changer in the trunk of the car was an awesome and convenient invention? "I brought my favorite CD for the road-trip." "Great! We'll check it out in an hour after the next pitstop"
44. When I change a light bulb, even though I clearly know the old one's dead, I still have to shake it to hear that little rattle, like I'm some slick detective or something. "Yep, just as I suspected."
45. Screw this 1:59AM to 3AM on a Sunday thing. I think we should spring ahead some time during the work week, like go straight from 2:59PM to 4PM on a Wednesday.
46. I'm glad that quotes are the only punctuation requiring the occasional hand gesture. It would get ridiculous if you had to do a fist pump to emphasize a comma.